All According to Plan
by heythatsmybike
Summary: Sasuke always had a plan B. Well... almost always. NaruSasu. ***DISCONTINUED***
1. So Much For Plan B

**A/N:** So, uh, this story… basically something I wrote spur of the moment when my dad was griping about my brother getting fined by the IRS (after I laughed at him, of course, he's like the Itachi to my Sasuke… only there will be no incest fics with us XD). I still don't know if I'll continue it since I don't really have the whole plot right now, I'm just dumping what's in this skull of mine. Hell, I don't even know if it will be NaruSasu or SasuNaru. All I know is it WILL be a humor fic, but not to worry! I'll be sure to weave in a touch of angst that always comes with Sasuke and Naruto.

But as far as continuing it goes, that's where you guys come in. Message, email, review, or whatever if you're interested in this. After all, I write as much for my readers as I do for myself. Well… maybe a little less, but I'm selfish. :P

**WARNINGS:** Sasuke's potty-mouth, AU (they're about 23 or 24 now), some OOCness, and eventual sex.

**Summary:** Company head Uchiha Sasuke always, always had a plan B. But when he accidentally receives an IRS letter meant for his out-of-place, hippie, liberalist neighbor Uzumaki Naruto whose house is getting repossessed, he finds that one cannot have a plan B without first having a plan. This is exactly what Sasuke had when he asked Naruto to live with him… no plan at all.

**Disclaimer:** Naruto sold his soul to me, but Kishimoto Masashi wouldn't give me the rest of him. D: (Haha I almost typed "Kishitmoto")

Many thanks to my wonderful betas!! I love you guys!

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions. 

Only the weak showed emotions.

He'd balanced it to a carefully calculated art over the years managing to keep his expressions and voice as stale as an old piece of bread, only occasionally using his eyebrows to convey some sort of 'emotion' that any normal human would use when interacting.

But no matter how collected the Uchiha believed himself to be, every now and then an emotion managed to slip past his façade, and it was always at the negative end of the emotion spectrum.

And right now, Uchiha Sasuke was **pissed.**

Uchiha Sasuke was in control of his emotions. I mean, _Damn it—_Uchiha Sasuke did not _do_ emotions. Uchiha Sasuke did not _need_ emotions.

But the more he chanted those words to himself, the tighter his head felt. Ugh, migraines. He'd gone to college with them and the annoying, pulsing headaches decided to stick around afterwards like a close friend. Fan-bloody-tastic.

He slammed his eyes shut, bringing his furrowed eyebrows into each other in a near head-on collusion, and unconsciously tighten his grip on the wheel of black interior leather of his brand new, sleek, ebony sports car. It still had that new car smell of fresh leather, straight off the cow. He inhaled deeply; the smell instantly assaulted his delicate nose and he choked on his breath. Ugh, he was going to be sick.

He snapped his eyes open again and aligned himself back on the road, momentarily forgetting he was on the highway and not in the comforts of his own home on his Italian leather couch.

'_Oh, fuck it all_,' he groaned mentally still recalling the meeting that soured his mood. Fresh out of college and he was already running his family's company straight into the ground. His head thumped violently at the thought. No, _he_ wasn't the one ruining everything he and his family ever built– the incompetent assholes that worked for him were.

'_Not anymore_,' he thought dryly, '_looks like its back to the drawing boards_'. So much for his free time. After all, perfectionism makes any task at least twice as long. But Uchiha Sasuke always, _always _had a plan B.

He flipped on his turn signal and sped down the exit, not giving a flip about the speed limit. It was amazing the car's windows weren't fogging up from heated anger emitting from his lean form.

Uchiha Sasuke was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.(1)

He slid into his driveway and parked, not even bothering to open the garage door, let alone enter. He got out of the car and slammed the door shut, wincing as the sound echoed throughout his poor skull. He shook his head as if trying to rid himself of his thoughts and pain. No such luck. Damn, it was worth a try. He flicked a snowflake off his nose and started to stalk towards the house.

The snow made a pleasant crunching sound under his feet and a small, sadistic smirk made its way onto his once scowling face when he pictured all the individual pieces of snow he was crushing under his weight as his colleagues.

He suppressed the sudden urge to just jump up and down and yell obscenities at the white driveway. After all, he was still Uchiha Sasuke.

And Uchihas' do not yell at precipitation.

He settled for stomping and muttering under his breath, his language was the exact opposite of his wardrobe– colourful. He'd make a note to pay his neighbor to shovel his driveway when his eyes didn't feel like they were about to pop out of his head.(2)

He opened his door and silently basked in the warm air that instantly lashed out and started lapping at his face. Sasuke shut the door behind him and slid his shoes off, his body beginning to thaw from his mini journey.

The walk from his driveway to his front door was longer than the normal person's. He lived in a swanky neighborhood in the upper class part of town in a massive house, but unfortunately (or fortunately? Sasuke never could decide), just like his property his neighbors were spread out and all a great distance from each other. While that offered much needed privacy it became rather… lonely.

He shook his head at that thought and again was rewarded with a particularly deep throb. He scowled, he was beginning to sound like that blond dolt that lived next to him. What was his name…? Uzu-something. Whatever, it didn't matter.

Uchiha Sasuke did not care about other people. Still, he couldn't keep his thoughts from roaming to his peculiar neighbor as he began removing his coat, scarf, and gloves to place to dry on the coat rack.

Sasuke had only met him a few times and all those times the raven couldn't help to notice how out of place he looked with his never-fading smile, peace signs, and PETA petitions.

Sasuke also hadn't failed to notice all the unconcealed looks of hate and disgust the rest of the neighbors and area would shoot him for his different way of life.

There weren't exactly a lot of guitar playing liberalists around these parts. While most people on the block were trying to obtain more obscure and tender meats and animal parts for delicacies, the blond man had completely snuffed out using all cute, fuzzy animals for his daily benefit. '_God, what a pansy_.' Sasuke snorted, amused for the moment.

The blond stopped by from time to time to see if he could help out with anything or do an odd chore for little or no money. At first Sasuke had been suspicious, after all, who in their right mind wouldn't be suspicious if a hippie suddenly started coming over to their property with an excuse that clearly says 'I could stop and rob you blind and you'd be none the wiser'?

But as time went by he realized it wasn't for the Uchiha's stuff or money, it'd been just a way to have some human contact when he was by himself on a lonely estate. Sasuke's feelings had quickly gone from wary of the blond to pity for him. After all, someone had to be desperate to consider Uchiha Sasuke decent 'human contact'.

Poor sap. The blond scarcely popped in much anymore now that Sasuke was no longer considered a 'new' neighbor and had done nothing but antagonize him the whole time the boy was there.

But Sasuke was not like that idiot. He enjoyed spending time in a house as empty as he felt, which is why he was one of the only people in his area without severants and with few maids. Loneliness was his companion, not his enemy. He'd learned to accept it and welcome it his whole life, why should now be any different?

He sighed, his anger returning once again and strode out into the picture adorned hallway and then the kitchen. The kitchen was like everything that Sasuke owned: sleek, modern, spacious, and new.

He flipped on the light and eyed the piece of paper lying on his counter next to his three week pile of mail. His head pulsed harder as he picked it up and read over the 'healthy eating' schedule his nutritionist set out for him. '_Boca Burgers? What the fuck are Boca Burgers?!_' He scanned over the weekly eating list and looked wistfully over his shoulder at the liquor cabinet.

Screw healthy lifestyles, if he didn't have a drink he was sure he would explode and pop his top like a volcano. He read the end of the sheet that said to drink plenty of water and smirked, '_well, she never said what kind of water, and right now I could go for some fire water._'

He promptly wadded it up, tossed it in the waste basket and all but ripped the cabinet open, reaching knowingly in the back for a specific bottle. '_Come to papa, Jacky!_'

He pulled it out and shut the door. He got out a glass and a couple ice cubes and proceeded to pour himself a much needed glass. Ah, now for some quality time with Jack Daniels. He missed their bonding time. He took a swig as his head still threatened to split in two.

He opened another cabinet by the fridge and got out around five prescription pill bottles. He pulled out one or two capsules from each and swallowed them all simultaneously and then finished off his whisky glass in two gulps. That should tame his mega migraine. He cleaned up and put everything away out of habit, suddenly starting to feel a bit calmer.

Good ol' Jack, he knew he could rely on him.

Sasuke moved to his island counter, picked up the two largest stacks of mail that weren't from his fan girl community, and dragged a trash can with him to the living room to read them.

He sunk into the indigo couch and began his sorting through his now neatly lined stacks. He shuffled through the junk quickly and precisely, dumping them all in the trash can as his slim, nimble fingers moved with lightening speed.

He paused in his almost automatic sorting and started. He quirked an eyebrow and carefully ripped open the envelope with 'URGENT. IRS!!!' on the front in bold, red letters.

He wasn't sure whether to be amused or mortified when he'd seen the official red stamp. Uchiha Sasuke would not be hiding from the IRS. Uchiha Sasuke was filthy stinkin' rich.

Sasuke's eyes quickly scanned over the contents of letter, his abnormal photogenic memory soaking up each word like a sponge. Darting pupils came to a halt when it hit a familiar looking name that the letter was addressing. '_Uzumaki Naruto… Uzumaki Naruto… Uzumaki Narut–OH!_' Uzumaki? Wasn't that his neighbor's name? He smirked, the realization dawning on him.

Uchiha Sasuke was always right.

The letter hadn't been for him after all. The poor mailman must have stopped a house too early in the blizzard nearly two weeks ago and delivered it to him by mistake. Sasuke slipped the letter back into its envelope and got up. He stretched, the letter still hand, his muscles now less tense and warm from alcohol.

He might as well go and return the letter. Even if the idiot probably just bounced a check, it still had been almost two weeks since it was sent.

He again weaved through his giant maze of a house and slipped back into his winter wear and shoes, his killing intent almost completely gone at this point. He slipped out into the snowy yard, careful not to let too much warm air out from his house and locked the door behind him.

Quickly, he shuffled against the snow at a slower pace than his sensitive-to-the-cold body usually would thanks to the 'fire water' still coursing through his veins, making it less noticeable.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto could not dance.

Unfortunately, 'could' and 'would' were two very different things.

Naruto swayed to the music, humming along occasionally and moving the paint-filled brush across his wall in time with his movements. A large white dog sat at his feet, panting while it watched every move the brush made. His 'dancing' looked like somewhere between a dog humping someone's leg and someone that had to go to the bathroom.

He paused in his moments and wiped the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead. "Whew! Almost finished Akamaru!" The giant dog gave a loud bark as a response and wagged its tail.

Naruto set down his paint brush and can and pulled open the paint covered, wooden ladder that was leaning against the wall. Glancing out the window he noticed the sun was setting as his hungry mind compared the snow to powder sugar. He grinned; it looked like he was going to be finished in time for dinner after all!

He bent down and adjusted his also paint splattered stereo to a different radio station and cranked up the volume. He resumed his half hump, half 'gotta-pee' dance while he grabbed the paint can and brush and climbed the ladder, placing the can at the very top and continued his work. He had to work to keep the rickety ladder balanced and steady since it was set on uneven bunched up sheets

"IFFFFF YOU WANT MY BODY, ANNNNNNND YOU THINK I'M SEXY, COME ON SUGAR LET ME KNOOOOOWWW-OHHHH" He wailed while Akamaru joined in with howls of his own.

Just as the song, wails, and howls (possible of agony) ended, three sharps knocks echoed from his front door. Naruto blinked, "Eh? A visitor? OH! Maybe it's my new order of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap!!(3)"

He slid down the sides of the ladder in his haste, forgetting the instability of it. It rocked violently and the paint can launched off of it, hitting him smack in the side of the head. "GAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as manly as he could and flew to the floor. Ugh, thank god he was almost done so the can wasn't very heavy.

Three sharp knocks sounded again, louder this time. "COMINGGGGGG!" He hollered as he hoisted himself to his feet and padded towards the door. He undid the locks.

"Man, I was beginning to wonder if you guys would ever deliver it! I mean its been 3 weeks since I last bathed and-" he opened the door and froze. It was his… neighbor?

Sasuke looked at him and raised a delicate eyebrow. A combination of bad B.O. and Febreeze was coming from Naruto. The Uchiha guessed that's what he used instead of bathing. He ignored the smell and took in his appearance. _What the hell was this idiot doing?_

He had a nice thick blotch of blue paint coating the right side of his head and splattered across a good portion of the right side of his bare chest, the large swirl tattoo on his stomach revealed. He was wearing the brightest pair of orange lounge pants Sasuke had ever seen in his life and his golden (and now blue) locks seemed to glow in the light of the setting sun.

Sasuke swore his retinas were burning just from looking at the man.

Obviously Sasuke wasn't the person he was expecting if his wide azure eyes indicated anything. "Did I come at a bad time?" Sasuke asked, not really wanting to know what went on in his absence.

A hefty white dog sat behind Naruto and Sasuke scowled. If there was one thing he hated more than Naruto, it was his dog. It wagged its tail with a stupid look on its face and Sasuke suddenly remembered reading something about dogs looking like their owner.

"Nah, it's cool man, I just thought it was a package or somethin', ya know?" He scratched the back of his head, obviously a nervous gesture, and grinned at Sasuke.

"But, um, if you want to come in and wait a second while I go and clean up that would be great. I've rather not look like a smurf." He said while he tried to wipe a patch of blue off the side of his face.

"Aa," Sasuke nodded his head, "I'm not here to visit. I noticed this letter in my mail stack; the mailman must have delivered it to me by mistake." He held out the letter to Naruto who blinked and took it.

Sasuke smirked, "But how he confused me with a moron like you I'll never know."

"Shut up, you jerk!" Naruto snapped while he pulled out the letter from the side Sasuke ripped, "and did you read my mail?! That's against the law ya know!!! I outta have your ass thrown in the slammer for that comment and then I'd stop by everyday to shove my freedoms in your jerk face just to spite you and then–" he froze, mouth hanging in mid-sentence.

Sasuke, who had been walking away, stopped and glanced back around when Naruto made a not-so-manly squeak. He raised his eyebrow again at Naruto's pale face and wide eyes. A bounced check wouldn't raise an expression like that. Just what did the IRS want with him?

"S-Sasuke?" Naruto said with a shaky voice, obviously trying to hold in some emotion.

"What is it, idiot?" The raven asked as he turned around to face the sweating blond.

"W-when did you get this?" His hand that held the letter was shaking badly now.

Sasuke frowned, "I've been on a business trip for the past month, but I'm guessing around two weeks ago considering which stack it was in." He paused to observe the blond's cracking demeanor. "Why?"

Sasuke didn't even have time to blink when Naruto answered. Well, more like exploded. "WHAT?!!?! Ah man, not cool man, not COOL!" Ah, so that's the emotion he was trying to hold in. Complete and utter Panic.

"What am I gonna do?! What CAN I do?! My freaking house is getting repossessed!! I thought I had more time but nooooooo, even God hates vegans!!!(4)" He began pacing frantically on his porch, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "Where the hell am I supposed to go?! It's not like I have any relatives to take me in!!! I think I'm gonna throw up."

Sasuke watched him go into panic mode and felt something bubbling in his stomach. Guilt? Sympathy? No, couldn't be.

Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions… too bad Uchiha Sasuke's mouth seemed to forget that.

"You could stay with me." What the_ hell_ did he just say?! That was _not_ part of the plan! Wait. He froze. Did he even have a plan?

Naruto froze mid-rant and spun around to look at the raven, mouth agape. Did he just hear what he thought he heard? Uchiha Sasuke was offering _hospitality_? No. Fucking. Way. He waited a few seconds, as if seeing if the Uchiha would start laughing at him and proclaiming it was all a joke. No laughter came; in fact, his face was as impassive as ever.

Little did he know that under that mask of apathy, Uchiha Sasuke was now the one in internal panic mode. He willed his mouth to take it back, to say he was just yanking his chain and mocking him in his time of need but nothing came.

Despite the cold winter air surrounding him he began to sweat. He needed a plan B.

Naruto eyed him warily, "What's the catch?"

"No dogs." The words came tumbling out like vomit again. _Plan B! Plan B! What the fuck happened to Plan B?!_ His mind screamed at him. Hey migraine, nice to see you again.

Through his now once again throbbing head and screaming mind he suddenly realized something… one cannot have a plan B when there was no plan in the first place.

For the first time in his life, Uchiha Sasuke had no plan B.

A huge, genuine smile slowly spread across Naruto's face and his blue eyes sparkled with appreciation as Sasuke's words suddenly sank in. "Deal."

Uchiha Sasuke was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

* * *

1. I love the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, so yes, that's where it came from.  
2. In case some people have never had a migraine or don't know what they feel like, the eye popping thing tends to come with them.  
3. Hemp soap FTW!  
4. My muse used to say this whenever something bad would happen to her. XD

If you didn't read the A/N up top then review, message, email me, whatever if you want me to continue this. I have most of the plot and background stories worked out so I just need to know if I should do the rest or just not waste my time since this idea came so suddenly.

And NO Naruto isn't a hippie just because I want him to be one (even though I do XD), there's actually a reason for it besides "oh, he saw a PETA video and then POOF! Hippie!


	2. Lysol and Puppy Love

**EDIT:** Sorry about that folks, my computer freaked out and messed the chapter up so I had to re-load it. That's why you were probably alerted twice, stupid Macs... DX

**A/N:** Obviously, I've decided to continue. After all, how couldn't I with the lovely response all of you gave me? I'm glad you guys think vegan!Naruto is interesting, I know a crap load about nutrition and diets and what not so it'll be fun to unleash it on the Naruto world. Updates SHOULD come regularly after the next chapter and will be weekly after that.

**I will be poking a lot of fun at PETA and vegans during this fic so please don't take offense if you are one, hell, I was one for four years (which is why I probably know every way to insult them XD).**

Tell me if you prefer a SasuNaru or NaruSasu pairing, votes will be counted in the end.

**WARNINGS:** Language, AU (they're about 23 or 24 now), some OOCness(?), and HOMOSEXUALS.

**Disclaimer:** I asked Kishimoto if he would give me Naruto for a Klondike bar… he said no.

Mad love to my betas lazeee an demented and Bestangelbaby!! You guys are AMAZING!

* * *

Sun rays streamed in through large circular windows, scaring away any darkness that was still lingering from the night. Birds sang and chirped merrily to signal the start of a beautiful day. 

Ah yes, it was indeed a good day to be alive.

Unless, you were Uchiha Sasuke, of course.

Light stretched across the room and reached out to caress the pale, sleeping figure. Sasuke groaned once he felt the uncomfortable warmth on him. He lifted his head, hair mussed from sleeping, and scowled at the new day. The day didn't start until he cursed the world at _least_ once. Sometimes twice.

The birds sang louder, celebrating the warm front that had passed through the night. A pillow was chucked across the room and slammed into the windows, scaring off all the birds that had gathered on the branch outside it.

Uchiha Sasuke was NOT a morning person.

He took a quick glance at the digital clock beside him on the nightstand and lugged himself out of bed, his limp arms practically dragging on the rich, dark mahogany floors in a gorilla-like fashion.

His body always did feel like it was made out of lead at this hour.

He dragged himself into the adjoined bathroom and began his daily morning routine. He brushed his perfect, white teeth and then hopped in the shower to wash his perfect, white skin.

God, he was beginning to sound like a tube of white-out.

He got out, dried himself hurriedly, attempted to fix his hair— somehow it always ended up looking like a duck collapsed and died on his head— gave up, and then strolled in his walk-in closet to throw on his dark blue suit and red silk tie.

As he walked out of his bedroom and down the hallway towards the stairs, he could've sworn he heard whistling... but none of the maids were working today.

He shook his head at the thought of anyone being there but him.

_The day just started and you've already started imagining things? Just keep getting one step closer to crazy every day, don't you?_ He was probably hearing things. He'd just have to make sure to take his pills as soon as he got downstairs.

But when he neared the first step he glanced towards the kitchen and froze. Peeking up over the countertops was an unmistakable patch of bright yellow hair.

It took every ounce of grace he had not to stumble and slide down the stairs. Why was _he_ here? Sasuke didn't ask him over to fix anything, did he?

He groaned mentally at that train of thought. He was beginning to sound like some girl running off to her big, buff neighbor 'handyman' for help every time the oven didn't reach 350.

Then why was he there? Last night he just— Sasuke's breath caught in his throat. Last night. Last fucking night.

That's when his rebellious vocal cords asked Naruto to stay with him.

He glanced at mirror hanging on the wall beside him and glared at his mouth, _this is all your fault._ He narrowed his eyes more at the tight lips. _Traitor._

He tore his eyes away from his reflection at that final thought and sighed, beginning his descend down the stairs.

_This is my house, not his. I have every right to be in my kitchen while he's in there. Just because I asked him to stay here on a whim doesn't mean I should let him get in the way of my daily life_—_ WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT IDIOT THINK HE'S DOING?!?!_

During his pep talk, Sasuke had made his way down the stairs and through the hallways until he reached the kitchen where Naruto sat at the table, elbow deep in a bowl of cereal… wearing nothing but a necklace.

Sasuke's eyebrows suddenly became _very_ acquainted with his hairline when he saw the very naked Naruto digging into his daily dose of soy milk and Fiber O's.

After all, having a naked hippie eat breakfast at his kitchen table wasn't exactly part of his usual morning routine.

Once he was no longer catatonic, Sasuke willed himself to move further into the kitchen to observe the blond. Was it just him or did tans usually not look so… grainy? The closer he got, the more apparent it was.

Uzumaki Naruto was sporting a dirt tan.

Obviously he'd chosen the spray of a Febreeze bottle over that of a showerhead again today. And his bare ass was sitting on one of Sasuke's brand new kitchen seats. Had Sasuke been any less of a man he would have cried right then and there.

But he was still Uchiha Sasuke.

And Uchihas did not cry over upholstery.

He'd have to check his insurance claim again to make sure it covered 'mysterious gasoline fires' because he was going to have to torch everything that hippie touched. Although he was pretty sure his glare alone would set the room aflame.

Hmmm, maybe the insurance covered Uchiha death glares.

He stopped in his pondering and realized the blond was too busy crunching to notice him yet.

Getting more pissed by the second, he stalked up on Naruto like a panther in brush waiting to pounce its poor, unsuspecting prey and stopped when he was standing directly behind the nude man.

He cleared his throat loudly, blatant anger, annoyance, and disapproval written all over his face. Too bad the slight tinge of pink spreading across his cheeks made him less than intimidating.

Naruto tore himself away from the maze challenge on the back of the cereal box to look up at Sasuke with a mouth full of food.

"O hay Shusake," he paused to swallow the glob of food in his mouth, "What's up?"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in agitation, "Have you no shame?"

Naruto blinked with a naïve, innocent, and down right confused expression in place.

"Uh, say what?" Naruto asked, sincerely not seeing what the problem was like being naked in a stranger's kitchen was a normal occurrence. Hell, for all Sasuke knew, it could have been.

Sasuke looked down at his watch and groaned inwardly. Damn it, he didn't have time to spell it out to him!

"You're wearing air, Uzumaki. Is this another one of those PETA anti-fur things or are you just too dumb to notice?" He asked fishing the milk out of the fridge and proceeded in pouring himself a glass, still fighting to suppress his anger, annoyance, and… amusement?

Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions. Especially not this early in the morning.

Naruto glared, "At least I have a heart, ya bastard!"

Sasuke ignored the outburst looked over at the blond. He raised an eyebrow, "What does PETA stand for anyway?"

Naruto sat up proudly and chirped, "People for the **Ethnical**(4) Treatment of Animals!"

Sasuke smirked at the blond's mistake in word choice and quipped, "Yeah, I suppose someone has to look out for all those black sheep."

Naruto opened his mouth to shoot back an insult but stopped when Sasuke lifted the glass to his lips. The blond looked on in disgust while Sasuke took a sip of his milk, "You DO realize you might as well be drinking pus and blood, right?"

Sasuke licked the remaining milk off his upper lip and Naruto didn't fail to notice the signs of an amused smirk tugging at the ends of the Uchiha's mouth.

"Who says I don't?" He shot back, making sure to draw out his next sip and raise the glass a fraction so the blond could see the smooth, white liquid sliding easily down his throat. His adams apple bobbed languidly as he took a slow swallow and then lowered the milk away from his face to gage Naruto's reaction, running a moist tongue over his full, top lip to lick away any remaining droplets, savoring the taste.(1)

He had expected the blond to be practically gagging at the sight of it or start spouting more vegan nonsense.

But he hadn't expected Naruto's eyes to be trailing every move his tongue made and beads of sweat to be sliding down his tanned, clenched jaw.

Their eyes locked. Naruto's eyes widened and his face flushed. He spun around and hunched over his bowl of cereal again so far that Sasuke had to wonder if Naruto was planning on snorting his Fiber O's like some kind of drug addict.

"Y-yeah, well, you're pale enough to be a vampire, so that doesn't surprise me!!!" Naruto retorted, trying to hide the shaky quality of his voice.

Sasuke allowed himself to smirk when he mistook the red spreading across Naruto's face and neck and slight shaking as anger.

If only he knew.

"Relax, idiot. I don't bite... _much._" The raven's voice lowered an octave unconsciously as he got out his prescription pills and put the containers away once he had swallowed them all dry, his glass of milk empty from his little stunt.

While Sasuke busied himself with putting the glass in the dishwasher, Naruto tried to think of all the dead puppies in the world while he silently prayed to them to will away his very naked, very obvious hard-on.

Once he got images of Sasuke swallowing a different kind of 'milk' out of his polluted mind, he cursed the bastard's lips for doing that to him. He spun around and glared at said lips, _this is all your fault, ya know._

Sasuke turned around and glared back at him and then bent down to retrieve something from under the sink. Naruto's eyebrow twitched as he was given a clear view of Sasuke's ass.

The raven pulled out a container of Lysol wipes and set them down extra hard on the counter.

He continued to glare at Naruto and made a slight gesture with his head towards the wipes, "Use them." …_and wipe down everything your nasty ass has touched._

Somehow Sasuke knew all the Lysol in world wouldn't be able to save that chair Naruto was sitting in. He'd make a mental note to throw it out once he got home.

Naruto glared back while Sasuke spun on his heel and walked out of the kitchen.

"Goodbye and good day to you too, bastard!!" Naruto called after him, forgetting about the not-so-little 'problem' he experienced moments ago.

He listened to the front door slam and the low hum of Sasuke's sports car before he decided to move. He got up and dumped his bowl of cereal in the sink carelessly and picked up the phone to ring an old buddy of his.

He tapped his fingers on the counter impatiently as he waited for someone to answer.

Just as the answering machine was about to pick up he was greeted by a sleepy-sounding, mumbled, "Hello?"

Naruto grinned, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNING SUNSHINE!!."

Inuzuka Kiba groaned over the line, "Shit, Naruto? What the fuck is your problem?! You know it's an unwritten law that I sleep until noon on my off days!!"

Kiba owned the best humane society in city and was a proud PETA member… not to mention Naruto's partner in crime.

Naruto's grin only grew at his response. Antagonizing Kiba _was_ one of his favorite past times. "Pfft, if I don't follow written laws what makes you think I'd follow an _un_written one?"

Kiba only grumbled grouchily in response, "Trouble maker."

Naruto fiddled with the Lysol container on the counter while he spoke, "Hey Kiba, how much do you love Akamaru?"

"More than you," Kiba deadpanned.

"You know you love me." Naruto replied.

"Whatever, fox boy. Why? Are you planning on setting us up on a date or something?"

Naruto stifled his laughter, "Damn, way to ruin the surprise Kiba."

"Sorry to disappoint, but I'm a taken man. Akamaru will have to find some other bitch." Naruto could practically hear the grin in Kiba's voice.

"Eh? I'm surprised you got a girl to kiss you with that dog breath of yours. Who's the poor girl?" Naruto teased, already having a good idea of who it was.

Kiba chose to ignore the insults, "Remember that vet that helps me out at the shelter? Hyuuga Hinata? About a week ago when she came in to check up on all the dogs I asked her out and she said yes! Fuck, I'm psyched!"

Naruto had guessed it was the shy Hinata. Every time she was near Kiba his face lit up like a Christmas light and he stuttered like crazy. "It's about time! You two have been making goo-goo eyes at each other for centuries!"

"Yeah, yeah. But seriously man, why'd you call me? I know it wasn't to discuss my love life." Kiba asked, cutting to the chase.

"Well… yes and no. Do you still love Akamaru?" Naruto continued before Kiba could answer, "Enough to take him in for me?"

"Fuck yeah!!!"

Kiba paused for a moment after his outburst, realization of what that meant suddenly dawning on him.

"Alright, which box and alley are you living in now?"

Naruto snorted, "Please, like an alley has a telephone."

"Could be a pay phone," Kiba pointed out.

"Yeah, well, it's not. Check your caller I.D. if you don't believe me."

Naruto heard shuffling of sheets on the other end while Kiba obviously went to check number. He muttered curses and Naruto heard a loud thud when the brunette got stuck in the sheets, tripped, and fell to the floor.

Naruto rolled his eyes. His friends really had so little faith in him.

"Wait, Naruto, that number has your old area code in it." Kiba pointed out.

"So?" Naruto began opening and closing the Lysol lid. He never did know what to do with his hands when he was on the phone.

"So?! You had me thinking your house got repossessed already, fuck!" Kiba said with an exasperated sigh.

Naruto stopped fiddling with the lid. "It did."

Kiba paused, trying to piece together everything. "Then… how? What? Where the hell are you?"

"Uh, I'm kinda staying with my neighbor for now," Naruto rubbed the back of his head nervously, "He's not exactly an animal lover, that's why I need you to take Akamaru. Plus you've been _hounding_ me for him ever since I got him. I think you whined more than he did and he was only eight weeks old!"

Kiba snickered at his word choice. "Punny Naruto, very punny. But I don't understand, I thought all of your neighbors hated you. Why the fuck would any of them take you in?"(2)

"I don't understand it either, but Sasuke-bastard did reek of alcohol when he asked me… he didn't act drunk though, hmm…" Naruto said more-so to himself than Kiba.

It still didn't make sense to him, along with this morning. He thought for sure the Uchiha was going to throttle him but yet, here he was, black and blue free.

Kiba choked on his breath, "WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, Sasuke-bastard asked you? As in, _Uchiha_ Sasuke? _The _Uchiha Sasuke? Damn, you must have given him one hell of a blow-job or something because I never thought I'd see the day the almighty Uchiha would ever offer anyone _hospitality_!"

Kiba barked out a laugh, "Man, if I were you I'd sleep with one eye open. Who knows what he's planning to do to you!!"

Naruto shrugged and started fiddling with the Lysol lid again. "Who knows, I could've been his newest charity program or something."

Kida snorted, "yeah, probably. You are pretty pitiful."

"At least I don't smell like the inside of a dog house," Naruto retorted.

"Yeah, one of those probably smells _way_ better than your funk." Naruto could hear the smirk in his voice, "you're out of soap again, aren't you?"(3)

Naruto chuckled nervously. "Heh heh, yeah… think you could bring some over when you come for Akamaru?"

"Yeah sure, I'll be right over. Fuck, this week keeps getting better! You're the best, man!!" Kiba exclaimed, already scrambling to get dressed.

Naruto popped the Lysol lid closed for the last time, "Don't I know it. Now get your ass over here!" He said while walking back towards where the phone's cradle was.

"You got it! See ya!" Kiba replied in a muffled voice— he must've been putting on a shirt— before handing up the phone.

Naruto went to hang up the phone and paused. He stared down at it in thought for a moment. He still had to get Sasuke-bastard back for that milk stunt. A mischievous smirk crept onto his face.

He licked all the buttons and ear piece with one long, wet swipe of his tongue and then placed it back in its cradle. _That outta show the bastard._

* * *

The door chime echoed down the empty halls of the nearly deserted manor. A streak of yellow and white shot down the stairs at lightening speed. 

"COOOOOOMMMMMING!!!" Naruto shouted out, nearly tripping at the bottom step and tumbling gracelessly to the front door.

He paused to wipe the sweat off his forehead on the short sleeve of his white shirt, leaving a streak of dirt in its wake.

The blond heard what sounded like a 'fuck this place is huge!!' and opened the door to find his tattooed friend waiting with his hands in the front pockets of his favorite gray zip-up hoodie.

Naruto opened his mouth to greet him only to let out a loud 'Oof!' when Kiba thrust half a gallon of peppermint scented hemp soap into his chest.

The blond looked down at the container and grinned back up at the dog lover, "Kiba, I could kiss you right now."

"Try it and you're dead," Kiba scrunched his face up in disgust and clapped a hand over his nose. "Fuck Naruto, how long _has_ it been since you last bathed?! You smell like moldy ass!"

Naruto laughed nervously and rubbing the back of his head with one hand. "About three weeks?" He offered weakly.

Kiba's eyes widened, "Three weeks?! How can you stand yourself, fuck! If it was me I would've given up and cut my nose off, that is, if it didn't get up and run away on its own!!"

"Hey! It's not _that_ bad once you get used to it! Plus the Febreeze helps, too," Naruto defended. He didn't want to admit he'd nearly passed out every time he had to lift his arms up to reach something.

"Whatever, you just keep telling that to yourself and your dirt tan," Kiba let go of his nose and opted for waving his hand in front of it instead, "Just go shower already. I'm not coming in until my eyes stop burning, fuck."

Naruto mock saluted, "Yes, sir!" He turned around and made his way towards the stairs again, "Oh, and Akamaru is in the backyard. The gate's open if you wanna go visit," he called over his shoulder.

"Roger!" Kiba called out before closing the door and heading out back.

Six hand fulls of soap and several sprays of the air freshen later, Naruto made his way to the backyard where Kiba was busy throwing a stick to Akamaru.

Kiba grinned when he saw the blond approaching, "Uzumaki Naruto, is that you?? I almost didn't recognize you without that cloud of funk surrounding you and, fuck, is that your natural tan?!" Kiba hands slapped the sides of his face in mock shock.

Naruto grinned back, "Hey dirt's natural too, so technically that _was_ a natural tan."

Kiba rolled his eyes as Akamaru snuck up behind him. The dog sat down, dropped its stick, and let out a loud, "WOOF!" Kiba shot straight in the air, squealing in surprise.

Naruto laughed and pointed at him, "Wow Kiba, you got like three feet of air that time!"

Kiba whipped around and glared at him, "Shut up, fox boy." He bent down to pick the stick back up and tossed it to Naruto to throw.

Kiba looked over at him suspiciously, "So this Uchiha guy, he wouldn't happen to be the same pretty boy new neighbor you were drooling over for two months, would he?"

Naruto paused in mid throw and blushed. It was true, when the raven had first moved in Naruto had done everything he could think of to get to know the stoic man, even if it meant doing odd chores around the house like some servant.

Sasuke had been rude to him since the get go, acting like Naruto would steal the silverware when he wasn't looking and the two bickered nonstop.

The blond eventually just gave up, gave him the new nickname Sasuke-bastard, and became his rival instead. Although he had to admit, Sasuke was still damn fine.

Naruto cursed and finally threw the stick for the waiting Akamaru, "Damn it, why is it always the arrogant assholes that are attractive?!"

Kiba whooped with laughter. "Dude, you sounded just like a chick!" His laughter died down and he smirked, "So, this _is_ the same Sasuke-bastard. Fuck, ain't that lucky."

"NO, actually it's very _un_lucky. The bastard made me hard just drinking a glass of milk! And I was naked!!! I don't know how I'm going to survive," the blond groaned.

Kiba burst out in a harder fit of laughter. "You got hard watching him drink a glass of _milk_?! Fuck Naruto, you're the first vegan I've ever met with a dairy fetish!!" Akamaru joined in his laughter with a few barks of his own.

Naruto turned a new shade of Crayola red. He hadn't meant to say that out loud!

"S-shut up, dog boy!!" He managed to squeak out. His face felt hot enough to fry an egg on.

Kiba wiped a tear from his eye and let out a few more chuckles. "Sorry, but you've got to admit, it is pretty fucking funny."

"Is not!" Naruto argued.

"It'll be alright," Kiba clapped a supportive hand on his shoulder. "If this guy's as big of an asshole as you make him out to be, you'll be back to punching him in no time!"

The blond buried his face in his hands, "God I hope so."

"That's the spirit!" Kiba patted his shoulder a few more times and grinned, "Well, I better be going, I told Hinata I'd meet her for lunch."

Naruto sighed, "Alright, thanks again for taking in Akamaru. I owe you man." He bent down and shook the giant dog's paw.

"I'll still be by to visit, okay boy?" He leaned forward more and said behind his hand, "Don't forget to pee on his carpet first chance you get— OW!!" He rubbed the back of his head where Kiba hit him and glared up at the dog boy.

Akamaru just barked in response and wagged his tail. Naruto patted the dog on its head one last time and stood up, brushing the dirt off his jeans.

Kiba turned and began to walk away and whistled for Akamaru to follow. The big white dog proudly trotted after his new owner.

The brunette glanced back at Naruto, "By the way, Gaara wanted me to ask if you're going to the protest tomorrow. You in?"

"Hell yeah I'm in!" Naruto waved as Kiba started to pass through the fence towards his old rust bucket car, "Later man!"

"See ya later, fucker!" Kiba called back with a grin while he opened the door for Akamaru. He shut it once the dog was in and got in the drivers seat.

Naruto burst out laughing when he saw a neighbor's reaction once they noticed Kiba puttering down the street, the car making a noise like a wooden roller coaster going up hill every time he turned.

* * *

_  
Ding ding! _The elevator chimed once it reached its designated floor. 

Uchiha Sasuke stormed out onto the sales floor muttering curses under his breath, his own personal cloud of gloom and doom hovering over his head.

He almost swore that if there was a God, he was probably reclining in his Lazy Boy cloud right about now to enjoy the show.

Pencil pushers looked on in confusion and interest as he made his way through the rows of cubicles. A few shameless fan girls, and boys, squealed in delight and sighed dreamily as he stomped past their workstation.

After all, it wasn't every day they saw the head of their company on their floor, let alone muttering curses to himself and glaring at nothing.

Sasuke made his way over to the coffee machine, turned it on, and began fixing himself a pot.

His encounter with his new blond house guest this morning made it so he didn't have enough time to brew himself a much need cup.

The meetings and kiss-asses had been keeping him from his precious cup of joe all day. Since he couldn't stand the flavored crap they severed on the executive and CEO floors. He liked his coffee to be like him— strong and bitter. So he had to go all the way down to the cubicles to get the cheap, strong stuff.

Uchiha Sasuke was not a happy camper.

He crossed his arms over his chest, glared at the coffee pot, and thought back to this morning as he waited for it to brew.

Why hadn't he been angrier at Naruto? If it had been anyone else he would have punched them in their kidneys or hung them from the roof by their toes. Or maybe both, after all…

Uchiha Sasuke was not a morning person.

Honestly, once he had gotten over the shock he had been absolutely _livid_. But when he and the blond began their regular banter he completely forgot about maiming and killing the boy.

But _why_? It was a known fact that an Uchiha's temper was one of the most dangerous things in the world. Why was Naruto safe from it?

Sasuke was too busy pondering with his inner self to notice that someone had come up beside him.

The corners of Neji's mouth twitched slightly in an almost smile when he saw the Uchiha glaring heatedly at the coffee pot.

"You know Uchiha, I think that machine is perfectly capable of brewing coffee on its own. I'm sure it doesn't need your glare to help boil the water." Neji teased, going to pour himself and Sasuke a cup.

Hyuuga Neji was also head of one of the most successful companies in the world. Although it still wasn't successful as Sasuke's, it was bigger and was signing an important contract with Sharingan Inc.

"I take it Hatake is back in town?" The long haired boy inquired, handing a cup of the black liquid to Sasuke while he poured a bit of cream in his own and stirred it.

Sasuke took the cup with a nod of thanks and took a nice, long sip. Ah, he had been looking forward to that all day.

"No, he's still out on vacation with his boyfriend."

_Thank God, _he thought,_ I still don't know how I'm going to explain Naruto without him jumping to some perverted conclusion_… especially _if he shows up when Naruto feels like being a nudist._ He thought as he looked at Neji and quirked a brow, "why?"

Neji shrugged, "you have that look in your eyes. The one you always seem to get when he's staying with you or checking up on you. But if it's not Hatake," he paused to take a sip of his own cup, "then what troubles you?"

"I have a," Sasuke paused for a moment to think of how to explain the situation in as few of words as possible, "house guest."

Neji raised an eyebrow, white eyes focused on him, "house guest? I wasn't aware you had any relatives."

"I don't," Sasuke said dryly, gulping down more of his coffee.

"If it's not Hatake, then who?" Neji questioned further.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Somehow he knew the white-eyed man wasn't going to let him off that easily. Oh no, not today at least.

"A neighbor," he said in a tone that meant for Neji to drop it. Too bad he already sparked the Hyuuga's interest.

"Oh? Are they attractive?" Neji asked with a slight smirk.

Sasuke grunted, "I wouldn't know. The layers of filth make it little hard to tell."

"I see," the long-haired man replied taking another quiet, polite sip, "I never thought you were one for hospitality, but it appears I was mistaken."

"Guess so," Sasuke finished off his coffee and walked next to Neji to place the cup on the counter. "What brings you down here, Hyuuga?" He asked, desperate for a change in subject.

"You still need to sign the contract for the deal to be official. When you weren't in your office or the meeting room, I remembered you saying you couldn't stand the coffee upstairs."

Neji set his cup down next to Sasuke's empty one. "So, naturally, I assumed you'd be down here."

"Ah," Sasuke nodded his head. "Brilliant," he said sarcastically.

"I try," replied the Hyuuga as he began to leave. He stopped at the door and turned back to Sasuke, "Remember to sign it before you leave. I'll see you later, Sasuke."

The raven nodded and raised his hand in a goodbye as Neji left.

He rubbed the front of his head to relieve some of the strain and made his way back to his office to finish up his paper work.

He finished quickly since every time he stopped his thoughts were always plagued by his new house guest. He needed a way to get rid of the blond without flat out asking him to leave and _fast_.

The Uchiha continued to sort through his thoughts as he made his way out to his car.

It wasn't until he was on the highway when an idea finally struck him. He smirked. It wasn't perfect, but it would do.

Uchiha Sasuke finally had a plan.

**TBC**

* * *

1. Ten bucks says SOMEONE will scan this story and thinking that scene is a lemon. XD  
2. Yes, you read right. It's _punny_ instead of funny because of Naruto's bad pun.  
3. Some of you asked about Naruto's hygiene, so just FYI vegans have to use special soap since regular soap has animal fat in it. Yum  
4. ALRIGHT, not everyone seems to be getting this. Yes, I know PETA stands for 'People for the _Ethical _Treatment of Animals', but Naruto accidently said the word _ethnical_ which is basically someone's race. That's why Sasuke says the line about black sheep, he's poking fun at Naruto's blunder. Get it? Got it? Good. 

Thank you so much for the amazing reviews! Seriously, I was about ready to cry Rock Lee-esq. tears of joy when I read all of them. Keep them coming, they're what keeps me from slacking off. -sweatdrop- Oh, and sorry if I didn't reply to you! I sometimes forget whether or not I answer people.

Only a few more days before Naruto: Hurricane Chronicles :DD! AND THEN SAI, YES YES YES!!! -fangirls-


	3. War

**A/N:** Oh noes! I didn't mean to turn you all into vegans with this!! XD Yet, I can't help but feel proud. The rating will go up after this chapter since I can only get away with so much for so long and I've really rather not get banned. So, if you have M fics blocked then unblock it or you won't get alerted.

Tell me if you prefer a SasuNaru or NaruSasu pairing, votes will be counted in the end.

**WARNINGS:** Language, AU (they're about 23 or 24 now), some OOCness(?), and HOMOSEXUALS… Oh, and Sai (he gets his own warning label XD)

**Disclaimer:** C'mon Kishimoto, haven't you ever heard that sharing is caring?

Betas equal LOVE!

* * *

Sasuke grumbled to himself as he fumbled through his crowded key ring. He scowled as he realized he wasn't even halfway through them yet and still couldn't find the one that he needed.

He should probably sort through them all one day and throw out the ones that went to his old residence. After all, it wasn't like he'd be visiting there anytime soon. All that place did now was drag up bad memories.

Having a big ring full of keys always made him feel like a prison warren anyways.

He growled in frustration as he proceeded in fingering through the keys a second time. Damn, he must have skipped over it in his musings. Since when was he such a space case? That dumb blond must've been rubbing off on him already.

Who knew stupid was contagious?

Oh well, all the more reason to get rid of that idiot.

He pulled up the key he was looking for and jammed it into the key hole, taking all of his frustration out on his front door's lock. Putting his keys back into his pocket, he turned the doorknob and slammed the door open a bit harder than necessary.

Sasuke tossed his winter wear on the coat rack before shutting the door behind him with his foot. He didn't bother to lock it, figuring he had to work almost all night anyway and would hear if anyone decided to just waltz in.

Besides, Sasuke knew kung fu.

As he walked down the hallways he could hear loud wails (was that supposed to be singing?) echoing from the kitchen. He groaned mentally, did that idiot live there or something?

The only place he had ever seen the blond since he moved in was in his kitchen. He shuddered remembering that morning. This time he'd have to be more careful.

He peeked around the corner and let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding when he saw the blond clad in dark wash jeans and a bright orange t-shirt.

What was with all the orange? Was he _trying_ to burn Sasuke's corneas? Probably.

Sneaky bastard.

Deeming it safe, the raven soundlessly moved into the kitchen. He squinted at Naruto, something seemed different about him. His skin was more of a golden rather than the brown is was before, his hair seemed to shimmer under the kitchen's artificial light, and his nose was actually _shiny._

Uzumaki Naruto no longer had stink lines attached to him.

Sasuke had to admit, he didn't look half bad. He actually looked sort of… handsome. The Uchiha shook his head to dislodge those thoughts. No, he wasn't handsome. He was the _enemy_. The enemy, dammit!!

Naruto paused in eating a strange, hard white block dusted with powder when he saw Sasuke's shaking head in his peripheral vision. He whipped around and grinned at the raven, setting down the block on an empty package that was tossed on the table.

Without warning, he jumped up and spread his arms out the sides as wide as they would go. Sasuke's eyes widened slightly and he prepared to run once he assumed the blond was going to try and hug him.

However, Naruto just stayed rooted in his same spot with that dumb grin stuck on his face.

"Hey Sasuke, smell me!" He ordered, stretching his arms out even farther.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow. Alright, that wasn't exactly what he had been expecting. Then again, he never really did know what to expect with this guy.

Uchiha Sasuke didn't like surprises. Not one bit.

He rubbed his temples. Suddenly he had a huge headache.

"I can't," he finally mumbled when the blond continued stretching his arms out until they went so far Sasuke thought they'd pop out.

"Ah, c'mon! Just one little whiff!!" Naruto begged, wiggling his fingers.

"No, I meant I _can't_ smell you," he sighed, moving farther into the kitchen and setting his briefcase down on a countertop.

Before he would've been able to smell the blond's stench from halfway around the world but now he couldn't even smell it from across the kitchen. This was a major improvement.

"Glad to see you've discovered what personal hygiene is, Uzumaki."

Naruto grinned again and dropped his arms down by his sides. He shook out his limp limbs. They were starting to go numb from holding them there for so long.

"Yeah, well, I finally got some soap so you won't have to worry about me stinkin' up the place anymore," he said, plopping back down in his seat once he got the circulation back in his arms.

"You sure about that?" Sasuke smirked and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms. Insults always came too easily with this idiot.

"Ha ha," Naruto replied sarcastically. He picked up the wavy white block again and took a bite out of it. He looked up to find Sasuke staring at him oddly.

"Want one?" He offered in between crunches.

"What the hell is that?" Sasuke asked, trying not to look disgusted by the blond's lack of manners.

"It's my own personal recipe! I call it a ramen cookie. All you have to do is sprinkle the dry noodles with the packet seasoning," Naruto waved around the used packet of miso flavoring, "and then walla! Instant dinner in even _less_ than three minutes!!"

He held up his concoction proudly to show to Sasuke before taking another big bite. The raven scowled in response and crouched down in front of the set of lower cabinets. Naruto just shrugged his shoulders to say 'your loss' and began nibbling on one of its corners.

Sasuke opened the cabinet and paused when noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head only to find the same container of Lysol he put out earlier that morning in the same exact spot.

He bet that if he looked close enough he would be able to see the dust collecting on top of it from disuse.

"I see the Lysol's still there," he observed in a voice laced with venom. He knew it would never be able to save his seats, but it would still be nice to know that the room that he ate in was _somewhat _sanitary at least.

Naruto hummed in thought and swallowed. He ignored the angry aura surrounding Sasuke, only hearing the word 'Lysol' over his chewing.

"Yanno, when I was little I used to think Lysol was something that they used to kill lice. So, one day I sprayed it in my hair before I went to school 'cause they were doing lice checks," he paused to take another bite out of his ramen 'cookie' and closed his eyes to better appreciate the flavor. He swallowed and looked up frowning.

"I got a rash (1)," he finished off the ramen with one big bite and opened a second packet of miso ramen to begin preparing another one.

The raven just stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. Only a complete moron would think like that.

"What a life you've lived," Sasuke responded dryly. He glanced up at him with a smirk firmly in place and rolled forward to rest his weight on the balls of his feet.

"I don't think your scalp was the part of your head they should've been examining," he said before reaching into the very back of cabinet and pulling out a box.

"Shut up! It's an easy mistake," He defended.

Sasuke got up, still holding the box, and picked his briefcase up off of the counter.

"Only for complete _morons_," he shot back before leaving a fuming Naruto alone in the kitchen.

As much as he enjoyed pissing off the hippie, he still had to begin laying out his traps. He smirked; _time to put my plan into action._

It was a simple plan, but simple enough to make the blond want to leave if everything was done correctly. Plus, it was the best he could think of in such short notice.

He may have been called a genius, but there were only so many things he could come up with on a twenty-five minute drive home.

He entered Naruto's room and made all of his preparations quickly and silently. Double-checking all of his work, he nodded to himself in satisfaction. Now all he had to do was wait. He clicked off of the lights and shut the door behind him, making his way toward the back stairs.

When he re-entered the kitchen he was relieved to find that it was deserted. _Finally, some peace and quiet._ He put the box back in its cabinet and went towards the sink to wash his hands.

As he turned off the water and reached towards the paper towels, he noticed a sticky note sitting next to a pile of already used towels.

He raised an eyebrow and picked it up to better read the chicken scratch.

'Save the trees, reuse paper towels!!

-Naruto'

Sasuke's eye twitched as he shredded the note. He grabbed the pile of paper towels and slammed them in the waste bin under the sink, adding a few unused ones for extra measure. _He killed a tree just to write that damn note!_ He thought to himself bitterly.

He glanced at the clock and decided he might as well eat a quick dinner before running off to his study to work for most of the night. He stalked towards the phone and picked it up off its cradle.

Once he pressed the worn out speed dial for Japanese take-out, he brought the phone up to his ear and made a face.

Since when did his phone smell like sour soymilk…?

* * *

Naruto yawned as he climbed the stairs to his room. He was dead tired and still had yet to unpack all of the belongings he managed to smuggle over behind the IRS's backs.

He opened his door and collapsed face-first on his bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes. As soon as he hit the mattress a small crunching noise came from underneath him. He frowned; that was strange. It smelled kind of fruity, too.

He decided to investigate later, too tired to care at the moment and kicked off his shoes before shoving his feet under the covers, still fully clothed. Naruto jumped back the second his legs came up short and squealed when he felt something go up his pant leg.

Throwing the covers off, he scrambled out of bed and hopped around trying to get it out. He stopped and stared at the multicolored corn flakes that fell out of his pants.

_What… how did cereal get in my bed,_ he thought, suddenly remembering the box Sasuke got out of the cabinet while talking to him. He nearly slapped his palm to his forehead in realization.

He yanked back the covers only to find the scattered and crushed pieces all over and his bed short-sheeted. Naruto smirked. He never figured Sasuke to be a prankster like him.

Hell, half of the time he had a stick shoved so far up his ass Naruto had to wonder how he was able to walk instead of waddle.

Oh well, this one was easy enough to fix.

"Amateur," Naruto murmured, shaking his sheets loose of cereal and remaking his bed.

He figured he might as well get ready for bed while he was up. Stripping himself down to his boxers, he walked into the adjoined bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Not once did he notice the shadowy figure entering his room and moving to his bed.

He reemerged from the bathroom a few moments later with a yawn and walked back to the side of the bed where he left his clothes, only to find the floor empty.

Shaking his sleepy head, he climbed into bed. _I probably put them back in my bag_, he reassured himself before snuggling under the covers.

He yelped when his feet drew up short again. _Bastard!!_ He got out, made his bed, and climbed back in for the final time that night. He'd think of a way to get Sasuke-bastard back in the morning.

* * *

Naruto mumbled something incoherent as the sun beat against the back of his closed eye lids, making him see red. He opened his eyes sleepily and scratched his chest, glancing over at his alarm clock. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw what time it was.

"Shit, I'm late!!!" He cried, jumping out of bed and running frantically over to his bag.

Dumping out all of his clothing on a table beside an open window, he turned around to double-check how much time he really had to get ready. He had thirty minutes to shower, get dressed, and make it downtown in time to meet up with the others… on bicycle.

Fuck, he was screwed.

He groaned when he realized the clock radio didn't have an alarm set. The bastard erased his wake-up call! These pranks were becoming less and less amusing by the second.

Dashing to the bathroom, he practically ripped off his boxers and threw them onto his pile of clothing. He jumped in and out of the shower and dried himself in record time, hearing Sasuke's car start up and drive away.

Good, that meant no more stupid pranks to get in his way... Or so he thought.

He opened the bathroom door and his jaw dropped when he saw that his massive pile of clothes was gone. The bastard had shoved them out of the window before he left! He sprinted towards the window as the last remaining shirt finally slipped off the edge.

"A-asshole!!" He screeched. Quickly wrapping a towel around his waist, he ran to put his shoes on. The second he slipped into his tennis shoes he felt something wet and gooey squish between his toes. He shuddered.

"What now!" He cried out in exasperation and pulled them off, angrily peering into his shoes.

Lying on the bottom of each shoe were three raw eggs, now well scrambled thanks to his toes. Naruto paled as he thought of how he had just stepped on six baby chickens.

Somehow, he didn't think Sasuke was just fooling around anymore.

Especially when he found the note written in perfect cursive attached to the toe of his right shoe that read: 'Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.'

_Oh, that fucking bastard,_ Naruto thought. He was beyond pissed. If that bastard wanted him gone so much, he should've just told him instead of making him kill chickens!! _It's on now._

A gust of wind blew through the window and he snapped his head up just in time to see a pair of his boxers fly by.

"Shit!!" He screeched, barreling down the stairs barefoot in nothing but a long towel.

He stumbled on it a few times, but managed not to fall and crack his head open in the process. Throwing the door open, he ran outside, too busy looking around frantically to find out which direction his clothes flew off in to look where he was going.

The second he stepped off the porch, he tripped. His towel fell to the ground, leaving him stunned and naked— right as the full morning school bus drove by.

He groaned and covered his face, as well as his lower regions, in embarrassment. Picture phones suddenly started popping out of windows and a disgruntled bus driver flipped him off.

He tried to laugh it off, grinning sheepishly. Rubbing the back of his head, he gave them a quick wave before abandoning his towel to dart back into the house. He slammed the door behind him and leaned on it, breathing deeply.

He sighed knowing he'd probably be on everyone in the school's myspace webpage by that night. Damn kids and their technology. He pushed himself off the door and made his way upstairs, not having time to make another attempt at collecting his laundry.

As he entered Sasuke's sickeningly clean room, he smirked to himself. If the bastard thought he was just going to up and leave because of that, he had another thing coming.

Oh no, if Sasuke-bastard wanted a fight, he was going to get one.

He threw on Sasuke's dark blue t-shirt and a pair of his black jeans. They were a little snug on Naruto, but they would do. He grabbed one of the bastard's black hooded sweatshirts with a strange red and white fan drawn on the back of it and pulled it on as well.

Before he left the room he walked over to the window, opened it, and leaned out resting his hands on the window sill.

"THAT'S RIGHT BASTARD, I DELCARE WAR!!!!" He screamed and listened to the shouts of angry neighbors a few barking dogs that answered him back.

He nodded his head, feeling a bit better after getting that out of his system, and shut the window before heading out to meet up with his friends.

Besides, the joke was on Sasuke. Naruto was wearing his pants…

And he wasn't wearing any underwear.

* * *

Naruto burst through the door to the small café, panting heavily. He scanned through the tables and took off running in the direction of one of the sitting areas once a saw a familiar mop of pink hair.

He screeched to a halt in front of the chattering group of youngsters and rested his hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath before speaking.

"Sorry I'm—ha—late guys," he wheezed, scanning over the faces to see all who made it.

He spotted Kiba right away, who was in one of the giant, overstuffed arm chairs grinning at him.

On the couch there was Haruno Sakura, the loud and bubbly pink hair girl. She became a vegan immediately after a friend from school showed her a few PETA videos, not having the stomach or the heart for meat afterwards.

Although she was the second-newest addition to their group, she was extraordinarily bright and knew more about PETA's inner workings than anyone else.

Next on the couch was Yamanaka Ino, Sakura's best friend. She mostly just joined because Sakura did and decided to keep it up once she saw the wonders the new diet was doing to her figure.

Beside Ino was her genius boyfriend, also the newest addition to their group, Nara Shikamaru. The only reason he was a vegan or even participated in these events was because he claimed it was too troublesome to argue with Ino.

Though when she wasn't around to nag him about his diet he didn't really care whether or not what he was eating was vegan. He was always too lazy to check the labels or call up companies to double-check, anyway.

A while back he tried to convince his best friend Akimichi Chouji to join up with them and suffer through Ino with him. Unfortunately, even though Chouji had a heart the size of the Northern Hemisphere, his stomach was twice as big.

The man loved his barbeque far too much to ever become a vegan.

He still joined up with the group from time to time though, sincerely wanting to make a difference in the world. It appeared now wasn't one of those times, though.

"Naruto, you're late again! What did you do, _run_ here? You smell terrible!" Sakura lectured, setting down the tea she was sipping on the center coffee table.

"Yeah, you reek of B.O.," Ino added, waving her hand in front of her face as if to swat the slight stench away from her delicate nose.

Kiba burst out laughing. "Man, if you guys think this is bad, you should've seen— no, smelled— him yesterday! He was even using fucking _Febreeze_ to try and cover it up!!"

Sakura and Ino gasped in unison.

"Here we go again," Shikamaru sighed, cringing slightly when Ino gasped in his ear. "So troublesome…"

"Naruto, you can't use Febreeze!" Ino said horrifically.

"Eh?" Naruto blinked at her, confusion written all over his face, "Why not?"

"IT'S NOT VEGAN YOU IDIOT!!!" Sakura screeched, jumping up and punching him square in the jaw; sending him flying back into an unoccupied arm chair next to Kiba's.

"W-what?! It's not?! I didn't know that!" He cried, throwing his arms up in defense.

Sakura sighed and touched her finger tips to her wide forehead, trying to clam her anger. She sat back down and breathed deeply. Over time she'd learned try to be more understanding of the blond's ignorance.

Even if Naruto was an idiot that sometimes slipped up and forgot a rule or two, he was still the most dedicated and enthusiastic one in the group. Hell, he was like the glue that held them all together, really.

"NO, it's not. It's made by Procter & Gamble, a company known for testing on animals. It's even on PETA's blacklist, Naruto!"

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, hanging his head low in shame.

Sakura sighed and shook her head. She hated it when the optimistic blond got like this.

"Well, now you know. Just remember and try to be more careful next time, okay?" She leaned across the table and patted his hand, offering a small smile.

"Okay," Naruto agreed, returning it with an appreciative smile of his own.

"Now, you guys are all here, but where's Hinata, Shino, Gaara, and Fuzzy Eyebrows?" He asked; bouncing quickly back to his cheerful self. Scanning the café again, he checked to make sure he didn't miss them the first time.

Kiba held up four fingers. "Hinata couldn't make it because of work. Shino had some big bug research trip. Gaara must be getting the plane tickets or something," he pointed to a finger and tucked it into his hand every time he mentioned someone.

"Lee's getting in some extra training with Gai before his triathlon," he suddenly paused and grinned.

"Speaking of Lee, remember how he used to wear that god-awful green unitard and called himself the 'Green Beast'?" He asked, leaning over his armrest towards Naruto's chair.

"Don't remind me," Naruto groaned. He swore he had never seen so much green in his life. That is, until he met Rock Lee's coach, Maito Gai. That man was a green _explosion_.

"Well, he got a new alibi, and this one makes the 'Green Beast' seem like the 'Beautiful Beast'," Kiba continued with a grin. "He swapped his old green unitard for one of those tacky ones covered in flames and fuck, get this; he calls himself the 'Flames of Youth' now!" He said, barking out a laugh.

As soon as the mental image entered his mind, Naruto couldn't stop himself. He burst out laughing, nearly spitting all over the coffee table and everyone's drink in the process.

Old Fuzzy Eyebrows may have been a good guy with an even better heart, but he didn't know the first thing about being cool.

Ino shielded herself from Naruto's spit fly as Sakura protected her drink and Shikamaru just shook his head at them.

"Honestly you two, grow up!" Sakura snapped. Both boys immediately stopped when they saw the angry look in her eyes. The girl may have been cute, but she was _scary_ when she was mad.

Not to mention freakishly strong. Naruto sometimes wondered if the woman bench-pressed cars in her spare time.

"Uh, so Naruto, how's living with Sasuke-bastard?" Kiba asked, quickly changing the subject before they angered Sakura more.

"Wait, you're living with someone now?" Ino waggled her eyebrows at him, "Got yourself a new boyfriend, eh Naruto?"

"Hell no!!" He screamed, blushing bright red. "The guy's a complete asshole! First he asks me to live with him, then does nothing but insult me, and now he's playing all these lame pranks on me to try and make me leave! I don't get him!" He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru sighed and glanced suspiciously over at the blond.

"Why not just ask you to leave or kick you out? That seems like it'd be easier." It didn't add up to Shikamaru. Why would someone go to all that trouble just to flush someone out _before_ they even asked them to leave?

"Like Mr. Stick-Permanently-Up-His-Ass would ever actually _ask_. He's too proud for that," Naruto scoffed, he didn't count the note left on his shoe as actually _asking_ him to leave.

"Maybe he just needs to get laid," Kiba commented, taking a sip out of his soy chai. (2)

"I don't think he'd have a problem with that—" Naruto was cut off when he was suddenly thrown back against the couch with Ino and Sakura firmly attached to each arm.

"Ohh why, is he handsome?" Ino prodded while Sakura glared at her.

"Hey, you're already taken! Leave some for the rest of us, Ino-pig!" Sakura whined at her.

"I can still look wide-forehead!" Ino snapped back.

"No way! I'm way better looking than that bastard!" Naruto declared, ignoring their bickering and still blushing scarlet.

Shikamaru smirked slightly at the blond's reaction as he finally put two-and-two together in his mind. Hey, he wasn't called a genius for nothing.

"Yeah, right," Kiba snickered and turned to the girls with a sly look on his face. "Did you know our little Naruto here has a dairy fet—"

"Uzumaki," a cold, emotionless voice sounded from behind him, interrupting their banter. Kiba snapped his mouth shut and shivered. No matter how many times he heard it that voice still always gave him the creeps.

Sabaku Gaara stood behind them, his arms crossed and an angry, yet slightly disappointed expression set on his face.

Gaara and Naruto had been friends since high school, both being outcasts and labeled freaks for choosing veganism over the usual teenage diet of cheese pizza and hamburgers.

Most people were shocked to find out the frightening red head was into saving cute and fuzzy little animals. After all, the words 'cute' and 'fuzzy' didn't even seem to fit in the same sentence as Gaara.

Only, what most people didn't know was that Gaara wasn't a vegan because he loved animals. Gaara was a vegan because he hated plants.

"Eh-heh, hey Gaara," Naruto greeted, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"You didn't tell me your house got repossessed," he stated, shifting his gaze from Kiba over to the blond.

Sakura and Ino both let go of his arms and stared at him.

"What! Naruto, why didn't you tell us!!" Sakura asked, standing up and putting her hands on her hips, "We could have helped!"

"Do you even have a place to stay?" Ino asked, covering her mouth with a gasp, "Oh god, what if he's out on the streets, starving!!"

"He just said he was living with someone," Shikamaru corrected with a sigh.

"You can stay with me," Gaara offered, his cold stare still focused on Naruto.

"Nah, it's cool, but thanks man. I already owe you for the plane ticket." In all honesty, the blond had thought about giving Sasuke his privacy back and moving in with Gaara. But after what happened that morning, he wadded all of those thoughts up and threw them out the window.

Now, it was personal. He couldn't give that bastard the pleasure of seeing him leave. He did declare war, after all.

"Besides," he continued with a smirk, "I still have to pay Sasuke back for this morning."

"I like the way you think my man!" Kiba declared with a grin as he slapped a hand on the blond's shoulder. "Let me know if you need any help in torturing the bastard."

Naruto grinned, "Will do!"

"Alright guys, now that Gaara's here we should be heading out now," Sakura informed, looking at her wristwatch.

"Yeah, we'll be late for our flight if we stay any longer," Shikamaru added, forcing himself lazily to his feet and cracking his back.

"Roger!" Kiba called out.

They all got up and exited the café, going to their respected rides.

Kiba helped Naruto load his bike into the trunk of his beat-up car and they both hopped in, chatting animatedly about the protest as made their way to the airport.

* * *

Sasuke tightened his lips and fought to keep his look of apathy firmly in place as he tried to weave his way threw the mob of people and flashing cameras. It proved easier said than done though when a chattering woman decided to latch herself on his arm.

He couldn't wait to leave; he always hated these types of events. But as the current head of Sharingan Inc., appearances were part of the job.

Especially now that the company wasn't doing so hot, the last thing he needed was to have those noisy reporters gossiping and start looking into it just because he didn't show up.

Removing the human growth is the politest way possible; he posed for a few photos, and then sneaked away, hoping that would be enough for the night. On his way to the parking lot though, he swore he saw that unmistakable mop of blond hair.

At first Sasuke thought it was just his imagination. After all, he wasn't even in the same _state_ as that blond idiot at the moment. Just then he heard the familiar figure cry out an "AW, C'MON!!" Yep, there was no mistaking it, it was him.

Sasuke growled to himself, '_dammit, there's just no escaping him!'_

He recognized the group surrounding the blond as fellow PETA members from various protests and flyers around town. His eyes locked on the objects in the pink-haired girl's hands and he smirked, his interest suddenly peeked.

Well, it couldn't hurt to stick around for just a little while longer.

* * *

Naruto crouched down in the group-huddle to listen to their strategy, completely oblivious to the dark figure with onyx eyes watching him from the shadows.

"Alright," began Sakura, addressing their group, "when Lagerfeld shows up, that's when we jump out yelling—"

"And then I streak," Naruto interrupted.

"—and throw these pies." She held up the two tofu-cream pies she was holding.

"_Then_ I streak," Naruto added.

"What do we yell?" Ino asked, ignoring Naruto.

"I don't know something anti-fur. If you can't think of anything, just repeat after me," Sakura answered after a moment of thought.

"So, basically just follow your lead," Shikamaru commented, tuning out Ino's complaints as he lit his cigarette.

"Right," the pink-haired girl agreed.

Gaara remained silent, only shifting his eyes from person to person as they spoke to show that he was listening.

"But then when do I get to streak?" Naruto whined, already buzzing with anticipation.

"No streaking!" Sakura snapped, tempted to throw one of the pies in his face.

"AW, C'MON!" He cried out, giving her his best beaten puppy look.

"Yeah Sakura, he does this almost every protest. Fuck, it's like tradition now or something," Kiba supplied, joining in with puppy-dog eyes of his own.

Something hilarious always happened to the blond when he streaked at these things. The dog lover looked forward to it every protest; this time was no different.

Sakura sighed in defeat after failing to avert her eyes. Damn, that look always worked on her.

"Alright, alright fine! Just remember to run behind me this time. I don't want to have to look at your ass again," she mumbled.

"You love it," Naruto said as he whooped in victory and already began scouting out a good place to put his (or rather Sasuke's) clothes. They drew straws to see who would throw the pies; it ending up being Shikamaru and Ino.

They took their places beside the reporters while Naruto was already naked and eagerly awaiting his part behind them.

"Get ready, here he comes!" Sakura called out to the others over the shouts of the paparazzi.

They watched as two figures strolled down the walkway, their path being illuminated by the reporters flashing light bulbs. Sakura spun to face the group as she silently used her fingers to count down, mouthing each number.

"_3…2…1!_" She lunged out with Ino and Shikamaru first screaming things like "fur pimp!" and "fur kills!" Gaara trailed them, choosing to just throw his fist in the air. He didn't need to scream, really. The menicing look on his face spoke volumes.

Kiba followed close behind, shouting and pumping his fists in the air while Naruto ran through the cameras and celebrities doing the same. Ino and Shikamaru immediately launched their pies at their target, Karl Lagerfeld, but neither of the activists was exactly known for being an athlete.

The pies missed by a long shot, striking the chin of the person next to Lagerfeld instead— Calvin Klein. (3)

They all froze. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. Oh, were they in big shit now.

The moment they froze gave security just enough time to tackle them all, arresting the entire squad of protesters. They were temporarily blinded by the paparazzi surrounding them as the officers read them their rights and forced the group towards two police cars.

"Sorry Calvin, We love you!" Ino yelled to the tofu-splattered designer as she, Shikamaru, and Sakura were pushed into a police car.

"Oh shit…" Kiba muttered as they shoved him in next to a still very naked Naruto and a somewhat pleased looking Gaara. The fiery red head had managed to sock one of the reporters in the nose on the way to the police car.

"Well, that didn't quite go according to plan," the dog lover said, his fellow fugitives nodding in agreement and the police officer got in and began driving them to the station.

Sasuke emerged from the crowd with a smirk firmly in place. He figured something interesting was going to happen when he saw that girl with those pies scheming with Naruto's group.

Uchiha Sasuke was always right.

He strolled to his car and took off, the all-seeing Neji watching him from not too far away. He smirked slightly and glanced over at the mob of flashing lights.

_So that was the Uchiha's house guest. Interesting._

* * *

"Is there a draft in here?" Naruto asked as the group was lead to their holding cell, all of them charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing.

Well, except Gaara; he had assault on his plate too. At the moment the red head was the only one missing from their crew since he was the first to get his one phone call.

"Miss your clothes?" Kiba grinned at the still nude blond's bad luck.

Naruto shivered. It was fucking freezing! Screw nipping at his toes, he was pretty sure Jack Frost was biting as his ass.

He nodded in response, rubbing his hands together and blowing on them. They reached the cell and stopped walking.

"Alright, in ya go," the officer ordered, unlocking and opening the barred door with several loud clanks and bangs.

They all entered to find a dark clad man already alone in there. He looked to be around their age in his late teens or early twenties, his jet black hair and eyes contrasting greatly with his ghostly pale skin. Naruto stared at him, this person reminded him of a certain bastard.

The only difference was the hair, his face shape, and his creepy smile. Naruto wondered if that's what it would look like if he ever saw Sasuke smile. He shuddered at the mental image.

No, definitely not. The bastard was _way_ better looking than this weirdo. Wait, shit, he meant Sasuke didn't look as bad! Yeah, that was it!

"Who's the freak with the pedo-smile?" Kiba whispered to him.

Naruto held back a laugh and shrugged.

The metal door slammed behind them, causing Kiba to jump up and yelp slightly in surprise. Shikamaru sauntered over to an empty bench and sat down with a lazy sigh, resting his head against the cement wall.

Ino and Sakura followed suit and joined him on the cold bench while Naruto and Kiba remained standing by the door. The pale man looked Naruto up and down.

"A bit cold in here, is it?" He asked with the small creepy smile still in place.

Naruto's jaw dropped. Who did this guy think he was making comments like that right away?! Kiba burst out laughing and leaned against the cell door, his hands in the front pockets of his gray zip-up hoodie.

"Nah, poor guy's naturally like that," the brunette replied for Naruto with a grin, "we can't all be blessed." He leaned back a bit more, pushing his pelvis farther in the air to emphasize his point.

"You're right," the man looked over at Kiba. "I'm sorry for your misfortune."

It was Naruto's turn to laugh as Kiba flushed. Pushing off of the cell door he growled and glared heatedly at the person that dared to question the size of his manhood.

"Shut up! I'm way bigger than you losers!! I bet you're the one with a 'tiny Tim'(4) and you're just trying to feel better about your small dick!" He accused.

"Do you have a 'tiny Tim'?" pallor man asked with that same infuriating smile in place.

"F-fuck you!!! I'll wipe that fucking smile right off your face!"

Kiba started to launch himself at the man but Sakura leapt up and helped Naruto hold him back. Shikamaru sighed. His friends were really so troublesome.

"Sit down Kiba! We all know your bark is bigger than your bite," she hollered, dragging him over towards the bench Shikamaru and Ino still occupied.

"That not the only thing it's bigger than!" Naruto laughed, enjoying the way Kiba growled in anger before Sakura shoved him onto the cold cement bench.

The pink-haired girl glanced over at the man who was eyeing Naruto hungrily. The blond was fidgeting uncomfortably under the man's gaze, suddenly feeling self-conscious and his hands automatically went to his groin to cover himself.

The way the raven was looking him up and down reminded Naruto of a bobble headed doll on a car dashboard. Trying to draw the man's attention away from the naked hippie, Sakura cleared her throat loudly.

She couldn't help but look away when his cold, charcoal eyes finally landed on her. The guy's smile reminded her of some sort of crazed serial killer. The fact that they were currently stuck in a jail cell with him did nothing to ease her discomfort.

"So, Mr…?" She willed herself to look at him.

"Sai," he filled in.

"Sai, what'd you do to get in here?" Ino finished for her, mistaking her friend's discomfort for nervousness. After all, the guy was kind of cute, even if he was a bit vulgar.

"I was painting a building," he responded, making Sakura sigh in relief. At least he wasn't a serial killer.

Shikamaru hummed in thought, still leaning back against the concrete wall with his eyes closed.

"Sai, huh? I think I've heard of you before. You're that graffiti artist known for painting giant, life-like beasts…" He opened his eyes and locked gazes with Sai.

"And penises."

"Correct!" Sai cheered, returning his gaze to the naked blond the moment Shikamaru said 'penises'. Naruto began to sweat.

"What about you?" The raven asked them.

"Us? Well, we're all from PETA and were protesting against the furs Lagerfeld uses in his clothing." Sakura sighed in disappointment, "But it didn't quite go according to plan. It seems SOME people don't know how to throw their vegan tofu-cream pies!"

She glared over at Shikamaru and Ino. The lazy genius just shrugged while Ino glared back heatedly.

"I'm not the one that wanted to draw straws, forehead-girl!"

"So? You agreed to it. It's still your fault, Ino-pig!"

"I streaked!" Naruto announced proudly, puffing up his chest and resting his fists on his hips. He blushed and re-covered his manhood though when he noticed Sai shamelessly staring at it.

Sai leaned towards the blond and smirked at him.

"So you're a vegan, eh? Wanna suck my carrot?"

"No thanks, I don't like baby carrots," Naruto smirked back, never one to pass up a chance at a come-back. Kiba, who have been fuming silently from his spot on the bench, burst out laughing.

"Good one!" He high-fived Naruto, glad that Sai got what was coming to him.

"Oh! We haven't even introduced ourselves yet," Ino realized, trying to steer the conversation away from penis jokes.

"I'm Yamanaka Ino, the loud one in gray that smells like a dog is Inuzuka Kiba,"

"Hey!" Kiba cried.

Ino ignored him and continued, motioning to each person as she went, "The pink-haired girl is Sakura, and this lazy stud is my boyfriend, Shikamaru."

Naruto pouted when he noticed he had been skipped. Sai noticed as well and looked over at him, his fake smile in place.

"What's your name? Or should I just call you 'Dick'?"

Naruto blushed and glared, opening his mouth to answer when an officer appeared at the door with Gaara. He opened the cell and red head joined them.

"Uzumaki, you've got bail," The policeman looked over at the blond and opened the door a bit wider, motioning for him to come out.

Naruto exited and blinked in confusion while the man closed and relocked the door behind him. Someone paid his bail? That was strange; he didn't even use his one phone call.

"Who paid?" He asked as he followed the officer down the hall. The man grunted and shrugged.

They entered the brightly lit front room and the officer stopped and pointed at someone sitting in a hard plastic chair along the white wall.

"That one there," the officer finally answered.

The tall figure stood and walked over to them. Naruto's azure eyes widened at the person and light eyebrows shot up into his hairline.

_Well, THIS is a surprise…_

* * *

1. Lawls. True story.  
2. A loose leaf tea made by boiling milk and water. Tastes like gingerbread, too.  
3. Real event; happened at the 20-th annual American Fashion Awards… minus the streaking Naruto. :P  
4. You probably guessed/know it, but it's slang for a small penis.

MY GOD, DID ANYONE NOTICE HOW SEXY –cough- I mean… PALE SAI WAS?! He looked like a goth chick. XD

And you know that they made it so painfully SasuNaru just to make us fangirls wet our frilly panties.

Anyway, sorry for the late update!! Medical crap + work have been keeping me away from the computer (I wrote 3/4 of this in a hospital waiting room, haha). Hopefully this chapter makes up for it!

**Wanna make my day? Review!!  
****(Especially long ones, those are loooove.)**


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